I don’t get it


My son was born in another country. He is what’s generally referred to as “of mixed heritage.” But he has lived with me in a predominantly white environment in England since he was less than a year old. It wasn’t intentional or contrived, no underlying political reasoning for living where we do. It was purely centred on the fact that the house prices were affordable for me, and I thought it was very important that Boo have a home he could definitely call his own.

I have never tried to deny Boo any part of who he is. He has always been aware of his father’s side of the family, never a negative word said about them, and I have always sought out every opportunity I could to bolster his connections with his cultural heritage. Unfortunately, the efforts I made were the only efforts that were made at all. Even before we left for England, any communication or contact with Boo’s paternal family was instigated and enabled by me. Any visits were transported by me. Any letters were written by me. Despite the fact that his father has a huge number of extended family members, they would not even stop by of their own accord when they were “in the neighbourhood.”

Hence, the eventual return to England.

Since the return to England, there has been minimal contact at best. Boo’s father, to his credit, did continue to send cards to his son on annual special occasions. But, despite my begging him to write “just a paragraph now and then!” the written correspondence has dwindled to nothing, and there has not even been a birthday card in three years.

In 2010, Boo’s behaviour had deteriorated to a very difficult level, and I had become very unwell myself. My own family members did not reach out to us nor offer to help me with my son. However, I had received word from Boo’s father that his sister would be willing to have Boo stay with her for a while in Boo’s country of birth to give us both a chance to regroup and recover. I had been persuaded by the promise that Boo would be well looked after, attend a very good school, and spend plenty of time with his many family members. Perhaps this was an opportunity for Boo to feel he was part of a large family, and to give him some of the academic stimulation he had been lacking in his own school.

I eventually agreed and took him to what seemed like the other side of the world. It was incredibly hard to leave him there, knowing that we would be separated by such a distance, but I was assured he would be surrounded with love and treated well, with his father and extended family watching over him. I spoke to Boo every day on the phone, helped him with his homework, and Skyped whenever we had the opportunity.

But things were not as rosy as they seemed. I learned that some members of the  family had strong views on discipline, and his aunt had used a belt to punish him and keep him in line. They also had strong views on religion, on race, and on gender roles and masculinity. Boo was required to attend their place of worship every Sunday and engage in religious home study meetings twice a week. His aunt had made her feelings known about white people many a time in his presence, she had expressed homophobic and racist views, and she was so determined that her nephew would prove his manhood that she encouraged and arranged fights between Boo and local neighbourhood boys.

I was horrified when I learned about these things, and told Boo’s aunt I would be returning to collect my son. But the family circled their wagons and refused to return Boo to my care until the school year was completed. I had no recourse as I had given his aunt temporary guardianship in order that Boo could attend school and receive healthcare, and, as Boo was born in their country, any attempts to remove him against their will would result in my arrest for kidnapping.

It was a helpless, hopeless position, and not as far-fetched as some reading this may feel.  We still had to leave in a hurry under the cloak of darkness, after Boo’s aunt had signed my son back over to me.

My son has never been the same since that experience. I believe his need to prove himself as a full-blooded male has continued to this day, through his aggression, his anger, his bullying, and his desire to engage in antisocial behaviours. He is desperate for an identity and is completely drawn to anyone who displays any stereotypical, negative characteristics of his mixed cultural heritage. And when he meets them, his whole demeanour changes – his language and accent change, his body language changes, his attitude and behaviours change, until he becomes a mini-clone of the person with whom he has allied.

But this is what I don’t get:

Social Services have delayed the final care hearing, originally scheduled to be heard this month, so that they can assess the viability of sending Boo back to his aunt overseas!

When Boo was taken into care last July, Social Services, without any deference to my wishes, nor indeed without my knowledge, wrote to Boo’s father to update him on the situation. Most recently, since the Court has become involved and a decision is pending regarding Boo’s long-term placement (i.e. until he is 18) Social Services have approached family members (his father’s and mine) asking if anyone is willing to be considered to take Boo into their home and raise him until age of majority.

Apparently, there is a protocol they have to follow that demands that they first consider a return to the birth parent, i.e. me. If they determine that a return to the parent is not feasible, they are bound to reach out to extended family members. My family in England, not surprisingly, withdrew any interest in the case and have been excluded from consideration. But since Boo’s father was approached, his sister has again asked to be considered for long-term guardianship.

Apparently, after several phone calls, the Social Worker determined she has passed the viability assessment, and all that remains now is for an international Social Worker to visit with her at her house and conduct a full assessment.

You know, I get why they may not feel the time is right to let my son return home to me. I get that I am not the best candidate at the moment to prevent him from leaving our home and heading straight to his “gangsta” friends in the city nearby. I get that not enough work has been done with either of us to prevent his violent temper from returning if I try to define boundaries he doesn’t like. And I get that, without family therapy, there is every chance that a return home at this time would be tantamount to picking up where we left off, except my son is six inches taller and a lot stronger than a year ago, and there is a very real risk that in the event of another violent outburst, one or both of us could end up seriously hurt.

With the exception of the incident last July, I have never raised a finger to my son. I have never imposed strict notions of masculinity, of gender roles, or demanded he adhere to any specific, strict religious doctrine. I have never encouraged him to fight for status, nor has he been wanting for any of his basic needs, including love, affection, praise, and full acceptance.

The first and only time I physically hurt my child was when, after eight months of physical assaults against me, he came at me with knives in his hand, and I put him on his arse to avoid being stabbed.

I don’t get how Social Services can be so quick to remove him from my care because, in their opinion, I assaulted him on that fateful day last July – but they are willing and seemingly hell-bent on returning him to a woman who believes in and metes out regular corporal punishment, and who would insist he tow her ideal line of what a real man should be.

They know what she is like, because Boo has told them and I have told them. They know what happened to Boo last time he went to stay with her. They also know that, with Boo’s temperament as it is right now, if he were to display even some of the behaviours towards police or other more powerful figures than himself in his father’s country in the same manner he behaves towards police here, he will be dead or in prison before the year is out.

But none of that seems to matter to them.

And I just don’t get it.

© Alice through the Macro Lens [2014]



Transparency? More like a two-way mirror…

I’ve been a fool.

I have misguidedly opened my life up to “professionals” (and I use the term loosely), believing that to do so will assist in finding the best solution for Boo. (You can get a gist of the way things have panned out in a post on my other site here).

In short, I have undergone two extremely lengthy “assessments” having been advised that “complete transparency will be viewed upon favourably by the Court.” Failure to cooperate, I was informed, would probably be viewed in the same light as someone who answers “no comment” to all questions after they have been arrested. In other words, the court would automatically imply that I had something to hide, and the chances of Boo returning to my care would be out of the window.

So I agreed to answer their questions. Eight hours of questions in total with the Social Workers, and five hours in total with the Court-appointed Psychiatrist.

And I was transparent. Painfully transparent. They wanted to know everything about me – from birth to the present. They wanted to know about my childhood: how life was at home and school, and I talked about stuff I hadn’t thought about for years, including the ugly stuff I must have intentionally pushed way back into the depths of my subconscious for good reason. Yet here I was, talking about the long-forgotten/repressed ugly stuff to professionals who were obviously going to use the information to help us, right?


The Social Workers, well … I probably should have guessed that they had no vested interest in me per say. They handed me a six-page schedule that they had supplied to the Court prior to our first “session.” It described the line of questioning I would be receiving over the course of the assessment.

I wasn’t going to write it all out, but I think I will, to give you an idea of the depths they wanted to go:

  • Background information to include Alice’s own childhood
  • (Alice’s) Physical needs at various stages throughout childhood
  • Previous/present relationships
  • Education
  • Employment

Parenting Capabilities

  • Basic care
  • Ensuring safety
  • Emotional warmth
  • Stimulation
  • Guidance and boundaries

Child Development – To Include:

  • Physical health
  • Emotional, behavioural development, identity, and family dynamics
  • Social relationships

Parental Stresses and Mental Wellbeing

  • Describe any serious accidents or illnesses
  • Ever seen a Pychiatrist or Psychologist
  • Do you have any illnesses which you believe to be a barrier to providing “good enough parenting styles” to meet Boo’s needs
  • Have you had any emotional problems
  • Are you on any medication
  • Does any illness or injuries affect your ability to look after children
  • Do you require any special help or medical services because of injuries or mental health wellbeing

Parental Stress continued (!)

  • Do you think you are someone who suffers from stress
  • What kinds of things make you stressed
  • Does any group of people make you feel stressed
  • Do children make you feel stressed
  • Describe how you feel when you are stressed
  • Have you ever been to your GPs regarding stress
  • Have you been on any medication because of stress
  • Is there anything which helps to reduce your stress
  • Do you envisage parenting to be stressful

Family Functioning and Environment

  • Family functioning
  • Wider family
  • Housing
  • Employment
  • Family social work interventions
  • Community resources
  • Support networks

Now, which area of my life do you think they were most interested in? Hmmm … could it be my mental health/stress issues?

Yet, when my son was beating the crap out of me on an almost daily basis for eight long months, despite all the attempts I made, begging them to intervene and help us, they had no interest in us. Their response at the time was, “We are child protection, not adult protection. Unless we believe Boo is at risk from you, we will not get involved.”

What a difference six months makes! Now they are very involved, and so concerned that my mental health difficulties would place my child at risk that I am now unlikely to ever get him back into my care.

And if the intensity of the assessment interviews wasn’t enough – on the last day at the end of the final interview (which, unsurprisingly, had been about my mental health and my recent lapses into crisis) the Social worker asked, “Does Boo know about any of the stuff we have discussed today?”  I said that he didn’t, and I had made a point of keeping much of this stuff away from him because I didn’t feel it was appropriate to share with a child.

Their response? They suggested that I might find a time to tell him about some of these issues we have discussed, because he will have a right to read the report once it is completed!

I couldn’t believe it! I had no idea that Boo will have access to these reports. Had I known there was any chance he will read about the ugly elements of my life, or about the struggles I have with my mental health and the things I have done when I reach crisis point, I would never have shared with the professionals.

It appears the transparency only goes one way after all.

© Alice through the Macro Lens [2014]